Here Comes Trouble: Stories from My Life

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Mike's Letter

October 29th, 1998 12:00 AM

Counter Coup

Less than a week to go.

Oh, you should see the mail I'm getting. The right wing has come completely unglued at the possibility that maybe - just maybe - millions of people who had planned on staying home next Tuesday have now decided to go to the polls and throw every Republican bum out of office. It would take your breath away to read the fear, the desperation, the impending sense of defeat these people have as they write me their tortured letters.

They just can't figure it out. They were sure if they gave America the smutty details of a President's private sex life, the people would revolt against him.

But just the opposite happened. Most Americans, regardless of their political stripe, believe in a sense of fairness - and they can smell the set-up and raw deal here as fast as you can say Newt Lied 13 Times!

The backlash has already begun. Polls conducted throughout the country show the Republicans slipping quickly while many Democrats have gained ten points or more in the past week.

The Stepford Republicans, who marched in lock-step with each other in their no-dissent-allowed 227-0 impeachment vote, now resemble a Keystone version of the old Soviet Politburo, each one a carbon copy of the other, and all out of step with The People.

They realize now, too late, that they overplayed their hand. James Glassman, a "fellow" at the right-wing American Enterprise Institution wrote in Tuesday's Washington Post that "it would take a miracle" for the Republicans "to not turn in a disappointing performance on Tuesday... I would not be shocked to wake up on the morning of November 4th to find the Democrats had recaptured the House."

Whew. There you have it. Sounding their own death knell. They took out a Contract on America in 1994, and now the American public is about to rip that mean-spirited document to shreds.

The Republicans are dazed and confused, lost in their own purple vein-busting haze. It's like they had all become one collective Beavis and Butthead, acting like Beavis when he had eaten too much sugar and turned into a rabid broken record - "I AM CORNHOLIO. I NEED TEE-PEE FOR MY BUMHOLE!!" - the Republicans just couldn't stop their heads spinning and spewing - "MONICA! MONICA! MONICA! I NEED MORE MONICA!!"

The frothing and foaming of their mouths over lurid sex details was just too much for the average Joe or Jane trying to pay the bills.

I hate to see people in this kind of pain, even people I disagree with politically. So here, to all you despondent conservatives who like to log on every fifteen minutes to see how your stock portfolio is doing, here are my sincere words to console you:

We don't like the Democrats that much either. Mainly because they're a lot like you. We're just using them on Tuesday for our own convenient motives. It's like this: we're putting up with one bad guy (the Democrats) to beat up another bad guy (the Republicans). Sort of a Celebrity Death Match. Our ultimate hope is that they destroy each other and the political process will open up to include all political parties equally and fairly on the ballot. Then there would be a reason to go out and vote, and we would have record turnouts.

Or maybe this will help you: The job of all politicians is to lie and we just think the Democrats are better at it than you are. Why vote for hack liars like Newt and Henry Hyde when you can plunck down for the real thing. Like politicians who say they're for working families, then ship our jobs to Mexico. A President who promises universal health care but has taken more corporate money than any Republican in history. That's the kind of moxie we like.

We also like the fact that, unlike past presidents who slipped away with their mistresses to Hollywood bungalows, this guy stayed on the phone every time he was having sex. You gotta give him credit - he never stopped working! The wheels of government never stopped turning, and his ability to contain himself prematurely in 8 of the 11 encounters is the kind of self-restraint we like to see in a man beholden to all the wrong people.

Finally, as one person put it last week, this election on Tuesday is all about next year's TV schedule. Do you want eight more months of All Monica, All The Time? Or do you want to watch "All My Children," "The Price is Right," and "I Love Lucy," re-runs? If so, vote Democrat.

It's really that simple.

Please send this e-mail to 10 people who love Bob Barker.


Michael Moore
Director "Roger & Me," "TV Nation"

P.S. Click here to read the latest of the "esteemed and highly respected" Congressman/adulterer/failed savings and loan director Henry Hyde.

P.P.S. If you are a third party supporter, and your candidate has a chance to beat the Republican and the Democrat, then please do the right thing. If you want to help the Greens, the Libertarians, the Reform Parties or the Working Families Party (in N. Y. State) get a permanent place on the ballot, then vote for their candidate for Governor. Just remember, your participation in our little act of civil disobedience on Tuesday requires that you plunk down for all Democrats running for U.S. House of Representatives and U.S. Senate. The local races are where we can start to build true alternatives to the Republocrats.

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