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Mike's Letter

October 8th, 2001 12:00 AM

All I Am Saying Is Give War a Chance

Dear Friends,

It's about time! I was beginning to worry that George II didn't have it in him, that he might wander off to vacation in Omaha again. But finally, the bombs are raining down on Afghanistan and, as Martha Stewart says, that's a good thing.

Oh, don't get me wrong -- I deplore war and killing and violence. But, hey, I'm a pragmatist, I know where I live, this is America and dammit, somebody's ass had to get kicked!

Our Leader, a former baseball club owner, could have at least had the decency to wait one more day until the baseball season was over. Poor Barry Bonds -- will anyone even remember what he did a month from now? At least Fox had the good grace to get the football game back on the tube within an hour of the war's start! They KNEW none of us could stomach looking at Stepford Drones from Fox News for the rest of the day.

Fellow liberals, lefties, Greens, workers, and even you loveable Gore voters and recovering Democrats -- let me tell you why I think this war on Afghanistan is good for all of us:

1. Network Unanimity in Naming The War. It has been so confusing the past four weeks, what with all the networks calling this thing we are in by so many names: "America's New War," "American Under Attack," America Fights Back," "War on Terrorism," etc. Now, nearly every network has settled on "America Strikes Back."

I like this because, first of all, it honors George Lucas. We're a humble people, we Americans, so we can't quite bring ourselves to call it "The Empire Strikes Back." "Empire" sounds a little scary, and there's no use reminding the rest of the world that we call all the shots now. So "America Strikes Back" is appropriate (and, as Sunday was the last day of baseball, "strikes" has the necessary sports metaphor we like to use when bombing other countries).

2. The Citizenry Can Now Go Back to What They Were Doing. I don't know about you, but nearly four weeks of anxious and tense anticipation of what would happen next was starting to wear me down. I thought nothing could top what spending the whole summer agonizing over whose baby it was on "Friends" did to me.

But the last four weeks was worse than a bad classic rock extended drum solo. NOW we have resolution. NOW we know the ending -- the bombing to smithereens of a country so advanced it has, to date, laid a total of 18 miles of railroad tracks throughout the entire country! How very 19th century of them! I hope our missiles were able to take them out. I don't want this thing going on forever. Best that we obliterate them before they come up with some smart idea like the telegraph.

3. Dick Cheney Has Been Moved Into Hiding Again. This can only help. The farther this mastermind can be kept from young Bush, the better. He's like that creepy friend of your dad's who has taken a bit too much of a shine to you. Wait -- he *is* that creepy friend of his dad's! Anytime I hear they have transported Cheney out of town and into a bunker in the woods, I feel safe. And don't worry about him having any workable form of communications with Bush -- remember, this is a government which discovers that a known terrorist is taking flying lessons in Florida and does nothing.4. Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Orrin Hatch Will All Be Fighting This War for Us! These are all honorable men, men of their word, men who would not expect someone else to fight their battles for them. They have all called for war, revenge, blood -- and, by God, it is blood I want them to have! Now that we are at war, let us insist that those who have cried the loudest for the killing be the first to go and do just that!

I would like to see, by the end of the day, Rush and Bill, Orrin and the rest of their colleagues down at the recruiting station signing up to join the U.S. Army. Sure, I know they are no longer young, but there are many jobs they will be able to do once they get through the Khyber Pass. Surely these men would not expect our sons and daughters to die for something that they themselves would not be willing to die for. To make it easy, guys, you can just go to the Army's website right now!

Get your butts over there to Afghanistan and defend a way of life that allows companies like Boeing get rid of 30,000 people while using the tragedy in New York as their shameful excuse.

5. Really Cool War Footage. It's been way too long since we've been able to watch those cruise missiles and smart bombs with their little cameras on them sail in and blow the crap out of a bunch of human beings. This time, let's hope the video is in color and that it's attached with a miniature set of Dolby speaker microphones so we can hear the screams and wails of those Afghans as our shrapnel guts them into strips of bacon. Oh, and let's pray the video can be loaded into my Sony Playstation!!

6. Better a Quickie War Than the Permanent War. Orwell warned us about this one. Big Brother, in order to control the population, knew that it was necessary for the people to always believe they were in a state of siege, that the enemy was getting closer and closer, and that the war would take a very long time.

That is EXACTLY what George W. Bush said in his speech to Congress, and the reason he said it is because he and his buddies want us all in such a state of fear and panic that we would gladly give up the cherished freedoms that our fathers and those before them fought and died for. Who wouldn't submit to searches, restrictions of movement, and the rounding up of anyone who looks suspicious if it would prevent another September 11?

In order to get these laws passed that will strip us of our rights, they have been telling us that we are in a LONG and PROTRACTED war that has no end in sight. Don't buy it! We are bombing Afghanistan, and THAT is the only war in progress. It should be over anywhere from a few days from now or in about nine years (Soviet-style). Either way, it will end. The good guys will win. And, if George II is anything like George I, then the bad guy will win, too, getting to live and go on doing what he enjoys doing (what were we, like, 40 miles from Baghdad?) while we continue to bomb the innocents (540,000 Iraqi children killed by U.S. in last ten years from bombs and sanctions).

As I'm sure you must agree, there are many upsides to this war. Sure, The Emmys got cancelled again, and, as a nominee this year, I already found out that I wasn't getting one of those little gold people so who cares if I can't walk down the red carpet in my Bob Mackie gown? I don't even wear a gown -- I wear pants, ill-fitting pants at that! Yesiree, I say, BOMBS AWAY! Rockets red glare! We are all WHITE WITH FOAM!

And please, dear friends, let's look at the bright side for once: The last time a Bush took us to war and got a 90% approval rating, he was toast and a ghost the following year. You can't get better than that.


Michael Moore

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