MichaelMoore.com

Yes, That Was Me Visiting the White House

By Michael Moore

I guess I should come clean and admit it.

I've been hangin' out with the Obamas at the White House.

Late on Friday, Norm Eisen, special counsel to the president for ethics and government reform, after many requests by the news media (and many demands by right-wing groups), released the list of people who have been visiting the White House since Barack Obama moved in. And on that list, along with the heads of all the Wall Street banks and the oil company execs, along with Oprah and Clooney and Soros, was the name of yours truly, Michael Moore.

But Eisen had a problem. Knowing that the administration was already in a bloody war with Fox News, he didn't want to pour any more fuel on the fire by having to defend the likes of a renegade filmmaker gallivanting around the Lincoln Bedroom. So he issued this statement:

“... the records we are publishing today include a few ‘false positives’ – names that make you think of a well-known person, but are actually someone else.  In September, requests were submitted for the names of some famous or controversial figures (for example Michael Jordan, William Ayers, Michael Moore, Jeremiah Wright, Robert Kelly ("R. Kelly"), and Malik Shabazz).  The well-known individuals with those names never actually came to the White House.”

Now, I don't blame him for not wanting to admit that Michael Jordan and I were actually there together for a full week back in May. Obama wanted someone to help him with both his hook shot and his socialistic ideas. And that's where we two Mikes came in.

Our week at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue was memorable.

Jordan spent a lot of time with the President on how to play more aggressively inside the paint. I would mostly break down and outline the key points of "Das Kapital." We'd hash out ideas from free college tuition to restoring full relations with Cuba to letting everyone keep their shoes on as they walked through airport security.

Michael Jordan would get Obama up early and make him work on his fundamentals (and dang if I wasn't right -- the main move they worked on was "Fake right, go left!"). Then Rev. Wright would stop by for a little prayer session, while Bill Ayers was back in the kitchen fixing us all lunch.

The afternoons were left to me and Barack.

We would pore over the works of Trotsky and Brecht and Larry the Cable Guy.  What a thrill it was to sit there and help this man with his plan to hand America over to the United Nations! One World! Woo-hoo!

Unfortunately, we didn't get too far. Jordan would often come in and say, "Hey, Prez, let's hit the links!" Hoops with Obama just didn't cut it for him ("Man, I've been doing this since I was 12! Let's go golfing!").

And sure enough, though Obama would protest that he had "stuff to do," Jordan would prevail and off to the course they would go.

Yes, it was a heady time, and I'd be lyin' if I didn't admit that I enjoyed my all-access pass to the West Wing. But, now, the secret is out. I hope it doesn't cause the President too much grief. The poor man has enough on his hands placating health insurance companies, running General Motors and getting the hang of his new PlayStation game, "Drones Over Waziristan."

At least Biden still sees me.