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Michael Gerber

Michael Gerber is the author of many books, including the bestselling Barry Trotter parodies and a soon-to-be-published comic noir mystery starring the Beatles

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May 4th, 2010 12:28 AM

By Michael Gerber

For the last 48 hours, the internet has been abuzz over an email written by someone on Wall Street pissed off by the bad rap currently being ladled over his industry. For those who haven’t read it, the jeremiad’s two major points are: one, everyone outside Wall Street is just leeching off their genius; and two, the secret to success is bladder control. It’s this kind of clear-eyed, without-fear-or-favor analysis that has made Goldman Sachs what it is today. Nevertheless, sooner or later—perhaps even by the time you're reading this—the focus will have inevitably shifted from Wall Street to something like "everyone was to blame."

And once "everyone" is to blame, it should be everyone's right to write an embittered screed of their own and blast it out to the internet. Wall Street's stolen all our money, but there's no reason they should get to steal all the fun.

So to save everyone time, I’ve used the trader’s email to create a version that can be tailored Madlibs-style to any profession or occupation. Whether you’re living high on the hog as an intern, a permatemp, a high school teacher, or a cashier at Wal-Mart, I invite each and every one of you to give your fellow citizens the finger at high volume. Just fill in the blanks; all you need is a pencil and no sense of shame.

To start things off I’ve filled in my own version below; everything not in bold is from the original email. Doing this comes particularly naturally given that professional humorist is perhaps the only job less necessary than Wall Street bond trader. America, I’m putting you on notice: starting today, the joke’s on you.